Why So Serious?

Saturday night, on a whim, Brian and I decided to go see The Dark Knight. I know it's been out for months now, which is why we were shocked to find it still playing at the IMAX in Hooksett. First off, I have never been to an IMAX theater before so the experience of that was enough to drop my jaw but the movie itself left me just about speechless.
The movie itself was very emotion-inducing. I felt myself about to cry during the movie a couple of times. And upon the credits rolling I couldn't help but feel this sadness take over me. I knew exactly what it was, too. I had heard someone on the radio back in July saying something along the lines of how the hordes of people flocking to see the film were in a way, viewing the casket. I suddenly felt like I had just viewed the casket and the lid had been closed. I quietly said goodbye to Heath through a whisper and I literally felt shakiness in my body walking to the car in the cold early autumn air at midnight.
As I thought about the film and his character deeper, I kept repeating the tagline "Why So Serious?" and it dawned on me: he created this character to entertain. So why turn his final completed role into a funeral? Instead I took a deep breath and began to appreciate how talented he was and how amazing his abilities to entertain were. I reminded myself that it was simply a movie (an outstanding movie) and to appreciate that Heath was able to share his life and talent with the world the way he did.
If you haven't seen this movie, please make a point to. It is incredible (though I found that I cared more about many other characters other than Batman - I found him to be arrogant and annoying).

If I Had $1 Million.....

If one day I were to win a jackpot lottery of $1,000,000 or more here is what I would do with it:

1. Pay off all debts. And I mean ALL. I would physically seek out those who I even suspect I owe money to and pay them off immediately. Perhaps with interest (depending upon how relentless -aka rude- they have been trying to obtain payback).


2. Buy a home outright. No fucking around here, kids. I like the house. I buy the house. I owe no one a dime after we move in. Except home insurance. That one is kind of inevitable I suspect.


3. Furnish said home with comfortable yet economical decor. In this case I might hire a gay man to decorate my living room and bedroom. However I would hire a Food Network employee to design my kitchen area.


4. I would take the whole family on a vacation to Disney. We'd stay an entire week IN the castle, bitches. And I'd make damn sure that Ariel and Belle were available for breakfast with my girls. (And try to get Ariel in on a three way later to appease my man).


5. I would continue to work at my shitty non-profit job but I'd do it much much happier. Because hell, it's easier to accept a craptacular paycheck when it's NOT your only source of income!


6. I'd invest and save a bunch of money, too. That kind of goes without saying, really. I'd be stupid not to.


7. I would find a way to buy my way into a private meet and greet with Jason Mraz. I'd also get my man season tickets on the 50 yard line for the New England Patriots. (Of course I'd be getting season tickets to the Red Sox for myself.... right behind home plate so I can drool over Varitek's yummy booty).

I am listing all of this out now because with all the crap that I have been dealt in my life, I can't help but feel that it's a test. If I make it through this part of my shiteous life without jumping off a bridge, picking up a nasty meth habit, or molding a portrait of Elvis out of mashed potatoes in a mental health facility then I will be rewarded with great wealth complete with a bunch of confetti and streamers falling all around me.

I keep imagining someone hopping out from behind bushes somewhere laughing holding up cameras and a microphone shouting "You're on candid camera!! We've been following you around since you were 8 years old and we've just pulled off the greatest practical joke in HISTORY!!!!" And my Mom and Dad would come out hugging... their divorce never even happened! And my rival sister would jog out waving as normal and nice as can be with a sudden actual sibling bond formed between us, my crushes would all line up together taking bows, smiling and laughing about how hard it was for them to reject me day after day. And they would line up all the cars that mysteriously broke down on me over the years and they're all pimped out now. Then of course the girl's father would come out and hand me all of the child support he has ever owed me.... and he'd agree to walk away and sign over all rights to the girls to Brian for adoption. Roses would be handed to me, and a big fat check....all while the confetti still flies....

In all honesty, where is the alarm that shouts "this life is only a test, had it been a real life you would have received detailed instructions on success and how to raise a normal family. You would have had plenty of money for essentials and vacations and your car would never break down. Please stand by while we load your actual life...."?

Broken Bank

Dear Bank Account:

I hereby refuse to look at you or check your balance from now until Thursday. Perhaps even Friday. I know that you are not well and that you may possibly be depleted. However I simply cannot bring myself to look upon the horror that you have become.

Yes, I will live in denial for a week. I will pretend that we are okay and that you are doing just fine. I will not ask much of you at all, keeping in the back of my mind that you are under the weather... but I refuse to stress out about your condition, either. It makes no sense. Why ruin a good mood? Hell, it IS my birthday after all! And with all of the things that must be done I will just assume that you are well enough to play along for now.

Will you do me the favor of keeping quiet? Don't send me mail. Especially those stinky overdraft notices. Those are no fun at all! Instead send me well wishes and birthday cards! Tell me that you wish you had more to give me but it is not permissible. I could understand that.

I know that we have a give and take relationship. I know that in the past (and even in the present) I take more than I give. I will admit this whole-heartedly. You put up with a lot of my bullshit and I wish I could treat you better, give you enough to keep you full and happy which in turn would keep me even happier! Alas, in today's economy it just isn't allowable.

I appreciate your hard work, though. All those debits and checks. So sad to see so many people dip their hands into you. One day we will be better off, I promise. Stick by me through the rough times, okay?

Sincerely,

Your debted friend

Cannoli, of the Holy Kind

In less than 24 hours I will be sharing my first hug with Brian in 10 weeks!! I am super duper excited and am so restless just thinking about it!

We have most of the week planned out, too. I wonder if we'll get a chance to just kick back and RELAX with eachother. Gosh, I hope so.

So as I sit here at my desk in my office watching the clock hands move ever so slowly to that almighty quitting time, I can't help but feel a scream building up inside of my little body. I will do my best to keep myself busy for the countdown. I plan on doing a buttload of laundry and cleaning up to prepare for his arrival.

It's funny. My birthday is Tuesday and usually (being a Leo) I am completely and utterly enthralled with all things concerning ME and my day, but I am so consumed with this reunion that I can barely give a hoot about my birthday.

The next 25 minutes (until quitting time) is going to be the longest 25 minutes of my LIFE, I can assure you. And the hours counting up to Brian's arrival will be even longer.

Laughable Life

If my life could be turned into a book or a movie I guarauntee that it would become a best-seller or a blockbuster. If not a blockbuster then a cult-hit at the very least. No one could possibly believe that the events would be based on a true story, but I assure you all of it would be.

The twists and turns of my daily life would astound even the most unfortunate soul. My life has always been this way, but has gotten even more intense since growing into so-called 'adulthood'. Now my problems are just bigger and cost more.

In the wake of all the bad stuff that happens I always try to remain optimistic. I remind myself (often) that in order to get to the good stuff we must make our way through the haze first; that I shall one day be rewarded for the bumpy road I have endured by eventually landing on one paved in gold.

In example: Jason Mraz will be coming to Boston in October. I must see him. Alas I have no money to purchase tickets today. I fear that by the time money IS available to me I will be unable to FIND tickets. I keep from crying by convincing myself that out of the kindness of someone's heart they will get me a ticket for my birthday. Of course when October 17th comes around and I am not sitting in a seat at the Orpheum Theater being serenaded by my undercover lover himself I will probably cry. But for now the fantasy gets me through today.

Another example: I have exactly $5.98 to my name until Friday. I have made it three days now with that amount in my bank account not changing or being altered. I have been paying for my morning coffee with change each morning just to squeeze by. I have been eating bologna sandwiches every day for lunch. I have found a couple of dollars and will splurge today to buy one slice of pizza for lunch in order to partake in the goodbye party for my departing supervisor's last day in the office here. I am looking forward to that pizza slice like no other pizza slice before it.

With all of the crap that is going down in my life I feel good knowing that in a few short (long) days I will be reunited with my fiance for the first time in months. For now that is all I can look forward to.

Blame It On The Vino

I have been officially sick since Wednesday. I stayed home from work yesterday because I could barely function. And honestly I probably should stay home today, too, but I have this big meeting today at 2:30 which is too important to miss. So I will drag my ass through the workday (hopefully without passing out on the program director's lap) and then come home to pass out again. But hey, at least I know that I don't HAVE to get up tomorrow morning.

Being the investigative idiot that I am I spent part of yesterday in bed trying to figure out where I got this damned cold from in the first place. My mother was ill, too, at the same time that I was. So I came to the conclusion that we can blame it all on Olive Garden. Here's why: last week we went to the Olive Garden (by "we" I mean my stepfather, my mother and I) for dinner. My mother and I were the only ones to sample the chianti that night. Other than that we all pretty much ate the same things. My theory is that whoever put the wine glasses out must have had cold germs on their fingers. Hey, it might sound like a stretch, but to me it was like "EUREKA!"

I am off to fight the good fight at work. I guess I can look at it this way though: I don't have to sit through crappy daytime television for a second day in a row. :)

Phantom Ice Creak Truck

My fiance/best friend has been on the road for over 2 months now. He was supposed to be home July 4th. But then his company screwed him over. Said he'd be home July 18th instead. We were depressed but saw it as a test of our strength and dealt with it. Then the date changed to July 26th. We were thrilled to find that he was certified and given his own truck by Tuesday July 22nd. We were anxious to see eachother and felt like "thank GOD this is coming to an end!" I received a call from him this morning on my cell phone.

Now keep in mind I started my period this morning and I awoke with a severe cold as well. I was jazzed to hear my cell phone begin singing "The Dynamo Of Volition" by Mraz himself. I knew it would be Brian and I assumed that he was calling to tell me of his route and when to expect him home.

This wasn't quite the case. Instead he gave the heartbreaking news that he now will probably not be home until July 30th at best. I didn't know what to say. I was stunned, my nose was stuffy and running all at the same time (tell me how that is possible, btw?!) and I felt myself ready to cry. He said he has to work a full WEEK before they will allow him home time and even at that he is only allowed 5 days off. (WHAT?!) Once we hung up I had to suck it up and ask my boss for yet another change in request of vacation time (I've changed it approximately 4 freakin times now). I immediately started to cry and she ushered me into her office. We changed my schedule AGAIN and I calmed down.

Brian then called me to talk to me a bit more. He is very disheartened. He is angry. He is ready to quit where he stands. I did my best to be uber-positive. I pushed him to stick it out and remember that yeah it sucks but we all have parts of our jobs that we hate but we get through it because we have to. I also told him that it's a good thing because I have a cold and my period, so by the time he gets home I should be all cleared up of any problems whatsoever. Hopefully he will perk up once he thinks about it a bit.

To me this is like hearing the ice cream truck's jingle from inside your house when you're a kid. You hear it. You know it's coming! You start running around the house begging parents for money and when they deny you their spare change you start rummaging around your room, couch cushions and backpacks for money. The sound of "The Entertainer" gets closer and your heartrate is near to exploding! You round up enough change for your favorite ice cream truck treat (For me it's gotta be either the Red White and Blue rocket looking pop that was always WAY too big but SO damn good or the Pink Panther treat with the frozen gumball eyes) and run outside, most likely barefoot, to wait for the truck to round the corner. And though the song gets closer, it never seems to appear. After waiting for a good fifteen minutes you are now sitting in your driveway on your butt, still shoeless, tossing pebbles across the road while the money in your other hand is all warm and sweaty at this point. The song is still audible. Yet there is no ice cream truck in sight.

This is how I feel right now... like my ice cream truck somehow got lost on the way to my road and I'm standing in the driveway with rocks digging into my feet, a fist full of quarters and a hope in my heart. A hope that is slowly dying.

Damn you phantom ice cream truck! Turn off your damn music if you aren't going to ever show up at my house!

You Almost Had Me Mr. A-Z

I have been unusually obsessed with Jason Mraz lately. Now, you must understand that I have always had an unhealthy interest in the man. He's an amazing human being with unending talent. I simply cannot believe that more people do not realize the talent he holds. However at the same time I'm sort of glad they don't because then he would become "too big" if you know what I mean. He would feel like less of a treasure to me. But I digress. I bought his new album "We Sing, We Dance, We Steal Things" via Amazon.com a little over a month ago and I must say it is constantly being played. And when not at home I listen to him via ProjectPlaylist where I've created my own playlist consisting of all Mraz. I spent all of yesterday reading his blogs on jasonmraz.com and laughed myself silly.

While reading his blogs I found that he is a raw foodist. I wasn't quite sure what that meant exactly. But damn it sounded healthy! And he looks fabulous and sounds more chipper and positive than I've ever heard him. I was bummed when I found out in the beginning of my Mraz-Adventure back in 2002 that he was a smoker. He has since kicked that habit which I commend him for.

Anyways, so I was visiting my other guilty pleasure PerezHilton.com and found that he had done a video chat! In it he explains a bit about the raw foodism and it sounded very interesting and extremely healthful. So I did some research. I looked at recipes, I read about the benefits of being a raw foodist and about how we lose a lot of the good stuff from food when it is cooked or processed. I was in awe. I began thinking: I can do that! I started daydreaming about eating raw foods and how healthy I would become and lose those pesky pounds I've been stressing over. I then went into the unhealthy part of my mind that fantasized about meeting Mraz one day and being like "hey you totally changed my life by introducing me to raw foodism! Let's get all messed up on almonds and coconut milk and make love in a huge spread of organic spinach leaves!" Haha. But that's just me being unrealistic as I often find myself being.

But as I read a bit more I found that I cannot under any circumstances have coffee and be a true raw foodist. I'm sorry, Mraz. But no coffee? That's just complete insanity, sir.

Alas I am going to skip the raw foodism. It's not like we'd be able to find a huge spread of organic spinach leaves to lie down in anyways.

Reflections

All of these photos on the wall remind me of times that I have enjoyed. But more importantly times that I lived to see. When I stop to think about all the things I've seen and experienced in my life it astounds me. This giant collage to my left contains photos of my children as they grow, my friends smiling, good times being had; all memories frozen in time for me to remember and reflect upon whenever I want to.

I remember when Brian had his mother and I in a drunken headlock on New Years Eve at some country western bar. I remember how crazy I thought he was but smiling because I love when I can see him having a genuinely good time.

I remember making the candy sushi with the kids and teaching them how to pick it up with real chopsticks.

I remember Grampa putting on that tiny santa hat during our Christmas Eve celebration...the smile on that man's face that night is one I'll never forget. Even after his passing over a year ago.

I remember Brian going fishing with the guys. He'd never been fishing before in his life yet he was the only one to come back with a fish... and a big one, too!

I remember..... so much. Yet I don't take enough time lately to appreciate the moments as they are happening. I am too busy thinking about the future. Perhaps I should remember to take a look around once in a while. Life should be much more than a sequence of photographs to reflect on later.

Need To Breathe

Back in January my fiance' Brian decided that he wanted to change our lives financially. He was tired of struggling just to make ends meet while he worked a grueling construction job and I held my position at a nonprofit agency. He started training for his CDL-A license. He worked full time and went to school on the weekends. I barely saw the man, honestly. But I remained patient. He then announced that he passed all of his exams and had been accepted by a company called Werner Enterprises. He showed me the brochure excitedly... telling me of all the wonderful benefits and how our lives would really change soon. Brian then went on to explain how he needed to go train for 6 weeks with Werner. 6 weeks straight. He wouldn't be home until he was finished but when he did finish they would give him his own truck and he would be home on weekends. Our income would increase 4-fold and we would be able to afford to live comfortably.

It was hard to see him go. I cried quite a bit when he left. I stayed with him at the bus station until his bus arrived. I gave him a tight hug, he kissed the top of my head and as the tears streamed down my face I walked away. I couldn't look him in the eye. I knew I simply needed to leave. I got into our car and drove off before his bus departed because I knew that if he saw me crying he might rethink his decision and ask to get off the bus. Instead I drove home, buzzing down the highway with the tears flowing down my cheeks, my stomach in knots. The song "More Time" by a band called NeedToBreathe came on and I cried harder (you see, I swear the writer of that song knew my life exactly when he wrote it). But off he went. And though I was rather depressed the whole day, I made it through.

The first week of his absence was so busy for me, personally, that it was easy to forget he was gone. But the second week was incredibly hard. Suddenly I realized he was missing... a lot. I cried a lot that week, quietly, in my room away from the children. He called once in a while from truck stops and hotels when he could. He was having an incredibly hard time emotionally, too. But I stayed strong when on the phone with him. I knew I needed to keep him motivated and strong. I needed to be his rock, his island when he felt weak. I pushed him not to give up and that it would soon be over. We talked about how much we loved each other and the hugs we'd share upon his return.

He was delayed a full week because of some internal problems at Werner. But he did get on his way after that. He's been since May 18th. It is now June 24th. His expected return home is July 4th. That means in a week in a half I was to see him. And I couldn't have felt more full of love and anticipation.

Brian called me about two hours ago to share his terrible news. Werner does not have a truck ready for him, therefore they are making him work an additional 50 hours while they try to find him a truck. At that point his new arrival date will be July 18th. He will have been gone for exactly two full months. The company showed no remorse for the delays. They stated they would pay him an additional $100 on his pay, but he would still be receiving a trainee's paycheck. When he asked if he could take his paid week off (like his recruiter had promised him when he signed on) they said he missed his opportunity back at his 140 hour mark. They said if he wanted to go home for the week he could but it would be unpaid and he would have to pay for his own ticket home. They would supply a ticket back for him to get his truck, though.

Brian is extremely upset. And I did very well at not crying over the phone. I am disappointed and pissed off. I told him that he should call his parents to see if they would be willing to pay for a plane ticket (which is the SAME price as a bus ticket... I checked) home on the 4th as planned. I told him that if they would he could come home and immediately do job searches for other local companies looking for CDL-A drivers that wouldn't treat him like crap. He needs to come home. I have lost my strength. So has he. I can hear it in his voice. They kept dangling the carrot in front of him and now they just dropped the carrot into a pile of shit.

Meanwhile, I am struggling to make ends meet. I work full time, take care of my children, attend college in order to get my associates degree in Business, and deal with living at my mothers house until we can afford to move out.

In the meantime I need to get 4 brand new tires on my car. I have needed tires for a year now and keep putting it off because there are more important things to pay for. Well they are bald now and I can't even go over 35 without the car shaking violently. In order to pay for the tires I have asked my mother to let me skip my biweekly rent payment of $300. She threw a hissy fit about it. Seriously? She can't LIVE without that money for just two weeks? She's going on a freaking camping trip for over a week starting this Friday! I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel with Brian's change of career, but it doesn't look like it's coming any time soon.

So what do I do?

Hearing that Brian would not be in my arms next Friday made me feel like the walls were closing in on me. I began to panic. Literally. I couldn't breathe and my stomach felt sick. Every time I feel like I'm climbing out of the hole I slip and fall backwards. It's starting to get disheartening. REALLY disheartening.

A Way To Define Myself

This is a way to define myself
to find myself
to learn a bit about myself
so that I can tell others
about myself
no lies
no tries
no disappointed eyes
to stare at me
laugh at me
push down on me
or walk out on me
Perhaps if I can
lay it out and
foresee the plan
more than
I have then
I will find the peace
within that I seek
perhaps just a peek
I can define myself
so I can be one with myself
once again.