Need To Breathe

Back in January my fiance' Brian decided that he wanted to change our lives financially. He was tired of struggling just to make ends meet while he worked a grueling construction job and I held my position at a nonprofit agency. He started training for his CDL-A license. He worked full time and went to school on the weekends. I barely saw the man, honestly. But I remained patient. He then announced that he passed all of his exams and had been accepted by a company called Werner Enterprises. He showed me the brochure excitedly... telling me of all the wonderful benefits and how our lives would really change soon. Brian then went on to explain how he needed to go train for 6 weeks with Werner. 6 weeks straight. He wouldn't be home until he was finished but when he did finish they would give him his own truck and he would be home on weekends. Our income would increase 4-fold and we would be able to afford to live comfortably.

It was hard to see him go. I cried quite a bit when he left. I stayed with him at the bus station until his bus arrived. I gave him a tight hug, he kissed the top of my head and as the tears streamed down my face I walked away. I couldn't look him in the eye. I knew I simply needed to leave. I got into our car and drove off before his bus departed because I knew that if he saw me crying he might rethink his decision and ask to get off the bus. Instead I drove home, buzzing down the highway with the tears flowing down my cheeks, my stomach in knots. The song "More Time" by a band called NeedToBreathe came on and I cried harder (you see, I swear the writer of that song knew my life exactly when he wrote it). But off he went. And though I was rather depressed the whole day, I made it through.

The first week of his absence was so busy for me, personally, that it was easy to forget he was gone. But the second week was incredibly hard. Suddenly I realized he was missing... a lot. I cried a lot that week, quietly, in my room away from the children. He called once in a while from truck stops and hotels when he could. He was having an incredibly hard time emotionally, too. But I stayed strong when on the phone with him. I knew I needed to keep him motivated and strong. I needed to be his rock, his island when he felt weak. I pushed him not to give up and that it would soon be over. We talked about how much we loved each other and the hugs we'd share upon his return.

He was delayed a full week because of some internal problems at Werner. But he did get on his way after that. He's been since May 18th. It is now June 24th. His expected return home is July 4th. That means in a week in a half I was to see him. And I couldn't have felt more full of love and anticipation.

Brian called me about two hours ago to share his terrible news. Werner does not have a truck ready for him, therefore they are making him work an additional 50 hours while they try to find him a truck. At that point his new arrival date will be July 18th. He will have been gone for exactly two full months. The company showed no remorse for the delays. They stated they would pay him an additional $100 on his pay, but he would still be receiving a trainee's paycheck. When he asked if he could take his paid week off (like his recruiter had promised him when he signed on) they said he missed his opportunity back at his 140 hour mark. They said if he wanted to go home for the week he could but it would be unpaid and he would have to pay for his own ticket home. They would supply a ticket back for him to get his truck, though.

Brian is extremely upset. And I did very well at not crying over the phone. I am disappointed and pissed off. I told him that he should call his parents to see if they would be willing to pay for a plane ticket (which is the SAME price as a bus ticket... I checked) home on the 4th as planned. I told him that if they would he could come home and immediately do job searches for other local companies looking for CDL-A drivers that wouldn't treat him like crap. He needs to come home. I have lost my strength. So has he. I can hear it in his voice. They kept dangling the carrot in front of him and now they just dropped the carrot into a pile of shit.

Meanwhile, I am struggling to make ends meet. I work full time, take care of my children, attend college in order to get my associates degree in Business, and deal with living at my mothers house until we can afford to move out.

In the meantime I need to get 4 brand new tires on my car. I have needed tires for a year now and keep putting it off because there are more important things to pay for. Well they are bald now and I can't even go over 35 without the car shaking violently. In order to pay for the tires I have asked my mother to let me skip my biweekly rent payment of $300. She threw a hissy fit about it. Seriously? She can't LIVE without that money for just two weeks? She's going on a freaking camping trip for over a week starting this Friday! I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought there'd be a light at the end of the tunnel with Brian's change of career, but it doesn't look like it's coming any time soon.

So what do I do?

Hearing that Brian would not be in my arms next Friday made me feel like the walls were closing in on me. I began to panic. Literally. I couldn't breathe and my stomach felt sick. Every time I feel like I'm climbing out of the hole I slip and fall backwards. It's starting to get disheartening. REALLY disheartening.