If I Had $1 Million.....

If one day I were to win a jackpot lottery of $1,000,000 or more here is what I would do with it:

1. Pay off all debts. And I mean ALL. I would physically seek out those who I even suspect I owe money to and pay them off immediately. Perhaps with interest (depending upon how relentless -aka rude- they have been trying to obtain payback).


2. Buy a home outright. No fucking around here, kids. I like the house. I buy the house. I owe no one a dime after we move in. Except home insurance. That one is kind of inevitable I suspect.


3. Furnish said home with comfortable yet economical decor. In this case I might hire a gay man to decorate my living room and bedroom. However I would hire a Food Network employee to design my kitchen area.


4. I would take the whole family on a vacation to Disney. We'd stay an entire week IN the castle, bitches. And I'd make damn sure that Ariel and Belle were available for breakfast with my girls. (And try to get Ariel in on a three way later to appease my man).


5. I would continue to work at my shitty non-profit job but I'd do it much much happier. Because hell, it's easier to accept a craptacular paycheck when it's NOT your only source of income!


6. I'd invest and save a bunch of money, too. That kind of goes without saying, really. I'd be stupid not to.


7. I would find a way to buy my way into a private meet and greet with Jason Mraz. I'd also get my man season tickets on the 50 yard line for the New England Patriots. (Of course I'd be getting season tickets to the Red Sox for myself.... right behind home plate so I can drool over Varitek's yummy booty).

I am listing all of this out now because with all the crap that I have been dealt in my life, I can't help but feel that it's a test. If I make it through this part of my shiteous life without jumping off a bridge, picking up a nasty meth habit, or molding a portrait of Elvis out of mashed potatoes in a mental health facility then I will be rewarded with great wealth complete with a bunch of confetti and streamers falling all around me.

I keep imagining someone hopping out from behind bushes somewhere laughing holding up cameras and a microphone shouting "You're on candid camera!! We've been following you around since you were 8 years old and we've just pulled off the greatest practical joke in HISTORY!!!!" And my Mom and Dad would come out hugging... their divorce never even happened! And my rival sister would jog out waving as normal and nice as can be with a sudden actual sibling bond formed between us, my crushes would all line up together taking bows, smiling and laughing about how hard it was for them to reject me day after day. And they would line up all the cars that mysteriously broke down on me over the years and they're all pimped out now. Then of course the girl's father would come out and hand me all of the child support he has ever owed me.... and he'd agree to walk away and sign over all rights to the girls to Brian for adoption. Roses would be handed to me, and a big fat check....all while the confetti still flies....

In all honesty, where is the alarm that shouts "this life is only a test, had it been a real life you would have received detailed instructions on success and how to raise a normal family. You would have had plenty of money for essentials and vacations and your car would never break down. Please stand by while we load your actual life...."?

Broken Bank

Dear Bank Account:

I hereby refuse to look at you or check your balance from now until Thursday. Perhaps even Friday. I know that you are not well and that you may possibly be depleted. However I simply cannot bring myself to look upon the horror that you have become.

Yes, I will live in denial for a week. I will pretend that we are okay and that you are doing just fine. I will not ask much of you at all, keeping in the back of my mind that you are under the weather... but I refuse to stress out about your condition, either. It makes no sense. Why ruin a good mood? Hell, it IS my birthday after all! And with all of the things that must be done I will just assume that you are well enough to play along for now.

Will you do me the favor of keeping quiet? Don't send me mail. Especially those stinky overdraft notices. Those are no fun at all! Instead send me well wishes and birthday cards! Tell me that you wish you had more to give me but it is not permissible. I could understand that.

I know that we have a give and take relationship. I know that in the past (and even in the present) I take more than I give. I will admit this whole-heartedly. You put up with a lot of my bullshit and I wish I could treat you better, give you enough to keep you full and happy which in turn would keep me even happier! Alas, in today's economy it just isn't allowable.

I appreciate your hard work, though. All those debits and checks. So sad to see so many people dip their hands into you. One day we will be better off, I promise. Stick by me through the rough times, okay?

Sincerely,

Your debted friend